Please let her be queer. This may be a slightly unusual prayer for you to hear, God. I'm aware that you have issues with the alternative sexualities. But you must understand, it's just this once, this one girl. One lamb from your flock of millions. And she may not even be a Christian. She might be sleeping around with lots and lots of teenage boys. And if she is, striking her with lesbianism would not only be a just punishment--it would be saving her from sin. You'd be doing a good deed.

And if she is chaste and pure and faithful, could you not test her, as you tested Eve and various other Biblical people? I'll happily serve as an apple. Or a snake. She might resist, and prove herself worthy. Or she could fall and come to Hell with me. In which case I'm sure the devil would be happy to have a pretty girl like her. She is very pretty, isn't she? You have to admit it.

Good God (sorry) she's stripping. Well, removing one layer to reveal soft shoulders and perfect collarbones. Why is it that my idea of beauty is the way bone moves beneath flesh? Knees and collar bones, they get me every time. But, no, sorry God, I'm sure you don't want to hear the erotic peculiarities of an undersexed teenage lesbian. I'll pray properly.

But I'm not praying for very much. I could be asking for her to land half naked in my lap. Or completely naked in my bed. I just need her to be queer. I just need a shot at this one. I'm sick of falling for straight girls, longing for straight girls, tearing myself apart over straight girls. Let her be lesbian and not interested in me, or bi and happily attached to a guy and I'll walk away content that at least I had a chance.

It's so bloody difficult to read whether she is or not. She's not short-haired, but if life fitted that stereotype I'd be straight. And I've just spent the last thirty minutes trying not to stare at her breasts. No rainbows, no pink triangles, but then wearing symbols of gay culture kind of blows the closet door right open. And the closethood is rather useful, particularly for the prevention of social exclusion and mindless violence. However, it does have the down side of making it significantly harder to get laid.

Hmmm. Just had a thought. I've been praying to a Christian-type God. With Biblical references and everything. When you might not actually be the right God (god?). I could go down the Muslim or Hindu route. But that would feel false. Although I'm not a Christian, Christianity is definitely the religion I've opted out of. You are the god I swear at, so you should probably be the god I pray to as well. Even if I would be slightly more likely to get your help if I hadn't sworn at you.

Although even if I hadn't I'm not sure you'd agree to grant my request. The kinds of prayers you answer seem to involve solving the moral dilemmas of people who really should know better and healing sick people. But I'm buggered if I know how you pick which ones to save. Surely the ones with no one to pray for them are the ones that most need your help? And you can't save everyone. Because, well, you designed the world in a way that meant you couldn't. (Do let me know if I've got the wrong end of the stick about that, because I'm not a theologist, and you probably have a decent come-back to that one.)

Anyway I shouldn't be finding fault with you. I'm trying to get you on my side. And I do understand you're doing a very difficult job. And I appreciate many of the things you've created. Like chocolate. And vodka. And cats. Gotta admit, you kind of fucked up with us humans, but that can be overlooked if you consider all the other species you've created that don't torture each other, destroy the planet or wear really stupid hats. And stars. Good call on the stars. Very innovative exterior decoration. I like the idea of the pretty little twinkly things being huge great balls of fire. And the moon is a very nice touch.

But back to what's important. That girl, over there, with the long dark hair and the soft pink mouth and dove-like eyes. Well, what ever the guy who wrote the song of Solomon meant by dove-like because he seems to use it as a compliment a lot. That girl, who will appear in my day dreams forever. That girl, who could be the love of my life. That girl, who could be queer if you let her be queer.

Please. I need this. I need a chance to flirt and laugh and know it's not a performance for the guys, a performance to prove I'm straight. I need a fantasy that might come real. I need a shot at love. Or at least sex.

But I suppose it's already determined. It won't change in a split second while I'm staring at her. Either she is or she isn't. And rambling at you won't do anything to change that. So I'm going to go and talk to her.